Hauled Dakota out to bit by bit today to ride with natalie, get her worked on by the chiro, and buy some hay.

   Lets start with the good.  She loaded BEAUTIFULLY. Each and every time, even after loading/unloading her to load hay.  Really suprised me, just walked right on no trouble every time. She even warmed up well.  Loped decent circles, was paying attention, picked up leads, seemed correct for the most part.  She was feeling pretty good. 

    Then there is barrels.  The main reason I hauled out in the first place, to work the pattern seeing as though I have no decent place to work it at my house.  Oh barrels.  Kota hasnt been using her hind end and really working the barrel, she's choppy, sort of planting and then pivoting around it.  Big no, no.  Well, I tried doing what Natalie does today, even though it somewhat did not make sense to me, but I needed all the help I could get.  Natalie wanted me to use my inside leg back, and outside leg forward.  But to me, that seems like it would cause hip swinging?  But I tried it, because Karma seemed to be working well with it.  I got frustrated, Kota got frustrated, we all got frustrated.  Frustrated Kota = Bitch session.  She would get to the backside of the barrel, grab the bit, and then run off.  I wish I could keep my composure better, but I just get so frustrated because I expect her to work so well.  I dont know about the new method, I dont like the idea of her hip swinging out.  I just need to figure out a way to get her working that barrel, with her hind end and whole body, not just lazying around it.

    I think I need to remember she is just a baby, but it really got to me seeing Karma do the pattern so well, and my 4 year old cant even trot me a nice pattern. Like what am I doing wrong? I need to consistantly work her, ask more of her I think, and not just when it comes to working the pattern.  But really while we are doing foundation work.  I really need to get her working that hind end of hers, thats the first thing I need to accomplish, instead of having her trot and lope me nice circles and be done with it.  

  Kota boot camp starts tomorrow! Or wait, the next day, I'll give her a day off after her chiro work.

     Alas here I am, almost a year after losing Seven.  Still am not over losing him, and I shed a tear almost every day over it.  It's not an easy thing. Am desperately searching for a horse to ride at Youth Worlds in Sevens name, because after all, he qualified me for it.  It would mean the world to mean to go down there and run for him.  I was supposed to run Rainy, and now all of the sudden Haley is not sure.  That would have been all fine and dandy if this was not a week before my entry is due, and now I feel screwed.  I dont want to send that entry in and then come July I have nothing to ride, which I could foreshadow happening.  Was even tossing around the idea of just taking Kota, but who am I kidding, she wont be up and running by then.

    Oh Dakota, my little promising mare, or so I hope.  She's all I've got, so I really hope she can run a set.  It is so frustrating sometimes not knowing how to handle some things, or why she is doing what she is doing.  I finally have her loping to the left, something we had trouble with for a while.  She still is not fully collected though, she likes to drop her shoulder and throw herself into the circle, which is a big no no. She's been really frustrating on the pattern lately though, and its just at a trot.  She gets really choppy behind the barrels, instead of using her hind end to drive her, she's taking the lazy way out and pivoting, or something.  Makes me so angry, because I know she's capable of a smooth turn.  Not to mention the fact its frustrating in that if she cant do this at a trot, she sure as hell wont be able to do it at a run.

    Actually, its even more frustrating knowing that she can do this, and its not her fault, I am doing something that is causing this, its my fault.  And I have no idea how to fix it.  Oh babies.

   It really wouldnt be so bad, and it wouldnt get to me so much if things went as planned.  Having another horse up and running while getting her started was the plan.  Without Seven, now all the pressure is put on her, and for that i feel bad.   I truly feel like if I never lost Seven, I would be so happy in life right now, everything would seem perfect.  I honestly feel that way.

    Losing him has to have been and will ever be the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my life, and knowing that I can never have him back is the kicker of the whole thing.  It plain sucks.  I am not even saying that for sympathy, I do not even like telling people about it because I do not want pity.

    I just want my horse back.

You know, I always thought. “Things like that will never happen to me. All of my horses will be here with me until a ripe old age, and live out their retirement, happily ever after.” About two weeks ago, I had to do the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my entire life. I had to put down my pride, my joy, my best friend, my team-mate. “Who is Seven”, a 15 year old Quarter horse that I had owned for a little less than 3 years. In fact, our 3 year anniversary was coming up. August 8 to be exact. Not long enough if you ask me. He was literally one of the best horses I have ever ridden in my entire life, taken from me far too soon.

  Seven wasn’t your average barrel horse. He had heart, and that counts for something in my book. There were literally no shows that I went home without being in the money. He was that consistent. Every year running him I qualified to go to NBHA Worlds. We went to Youth Worlds last year in Mississippi, such a fun time. We won our first saddle last year, winning the NJ01 Youth 1D and Open 3D. Not only was he a killer barrel horse, he was as sane as they come. I could hop on him bareback at any moment, with just a lead rope around his neck, and he never gave me any trouble. I trusted that horse with my life. I felt safer on his back than in any plane, car or anything for that matter.

    I think that’s why it hurts so bad that I had to say goodbye so soon. It wasn’t just any horse. He was my baby boy, and we had one of the strongest bonds I’ve ever felt with any being. It was all too fast. He was doing so good one moment, passing manure, looking bright, etc. Then, the next moment, he’s fighting to stand. I just don’t get what happened so wrong within a 20 minute period. The vet finally arrived, and I felt like I had no real choice. I hated that feeling of no control. That was one of the worst moments of my life. No, not one. It was THE worst moment of my entire life. I will never forget the words coming out of the vet’s mouth. “He’s already gone”. It’s almost like they are imprinted in my brain, incapable of leaving.

  I keep beating myself over everything, running every moment through my brain up until the point where he was gone in my arms. What went so wrong? I was literally riding him the day all of the symptoms started, Sunday, of course before he started acting weird, but nonetheless, it was the same day. I ran him the weekend right before; he pulled an Open 3D check, and Youth 1D check, as usual. What happened to my baby that ended in the fight for his life? Dehydration? Fever? What caused it all? And why cant I go back to change it? You know, these thoughts run across my brain every single day. But then it all comes back to the fact that it doesn’t matter. He’s gone. That’s the facts. My best friend, my team-mate is gone forever.

   At this very moment, we are supposed to be running in Lexington, Colonial Nationals. One of my best memories with Seven. We made it to the finals last year. I thought for sure this year we would do something great, he was really shaping up that first barrel. I thought we had it. He runs that perfect second off of those good horses, every time. Missed Sussex County Fair last weekend, too. These two shows have to be my favorite out of the year. Not that it matters, either way. If I could never run Seven again in my life, I would rather him still be here with me than not. If I could have gotten him to that clinic, I would not have hesitated. I would pay the rest of my life for him to have that surgery. That’s what kills me, I had no choice. We couldn’t even get him up to the trailer to try and get him there. It all happened so fast. It’s not the same walking into the barn and not hearing his nicker. It’s not the same calling his name out at night, having him run down from the upper pasture to greet me.

    Not the same. Nothing is the same, and it will never be. That scares me. It scares the hell out of me, actually. I guess I am a weak person or something, but I need him. I need that horse, at least that’s what it feels like. I just want him back so bad, and it kills me that I can’t do anything about it.

Managed to get both ridden today in this humid weather.  Wasn't as bad as last week, but it's pretty damn hot outside.  

Seven: same old same old.  Tried doing more straight work, rather than circles to keep the stress off of his hocks.  He's my top priority to get ridden, I really want to keep his joints moving, which leaves him less stiff.  I am going to try and get out and get some DMSO tomorrow to mix with bute to rub on before/after our runs.  See what that does, it sounds like it may take away soreness better than the green jelly is doing, although I do love that stuff!

Dakota: Really trying to focus on getting her moving more.  Up to this point, its been all very slow work, mainly at the walk.  Just getting her bending/flexing/giving to the bit, I just want her really soft and supple.  Now, I am trying to move it up a step.  Did lots of trot work tonight.  Couldnt keep her attention as well as I had hoped (loose dogs, people running at the soccer fields, etc.), but she was relatively good. 

 Trying to get my butt up to cowtown cowboy outfitters tomorrow to use a gift certificate I won at the awards banquet.  Hopefully I make it out there, I need some new jeans!

We'll, I am still trying to figure this thing out, so bare with me. It keeps deleting my blogs once I am almost finished, so I keep giving up.  But here's another shot!

  This thing is pretty nifty.  I figure I can use it to track Dakota's training, and Seven's runs.  So, here goes nothing.

First of all, I have two horses:

"Who is Seven", aka Seven, my pride and joy, a 15 year old registered QH gelding.  He basically puts me in the money at every show I take him to, and had taken me to many national shows, as well as qualifying me for NBHA Worlds every year I have owned him.  He is as consistent and sane as they come.  Really has alot of heart, and all around pleasure to ride.

"TT Kitabars Kitten", aka Dakota, my 3 year old registered QH, out of sunfrost.  I bought her one year ago, and she is really coming along.  I'm hoping she can put that speed she has out in the pasture to good use on the pattern.  We'll see, for now I'm just having fun with her.  

Had a show this past weekend at D&D, in Buena, NJ.  Was supposed to bring home my new puppy, but lets not go there.  Parents change minds last minute, great.  I sware, if I went alone as planned, would have brought him home either way.  But my dad decided to come along last minute! Anyways.  our first barrel in youth was a little wide, and the second two were nothing special, leaving us with a 16.4 (our fastest time in the arena was a 15.6).  Ended up winning me the 3D, which was good, $68, which meant I was already ahead $2.  Open run, lengthened my stirrups just to see if I liked it better, rated him a little more at the 1st, and ended up with a 16.0.  Though someone may just pull off a 15.0 to put me in the 3D, but never happened.  So ended up back end of 2D.  I'm just happy we shaved off 4 tenths, that first run was ugly.  

Heading to Jesse Longmuir's next weekend, sort of excited to see what her place looks like.  Lots of money added, too.  Fun fun fun!